I am pretty open to meeting new people, online and off. On
social media, it’s pretty easy to cut someone off if they turn out to be
fundamentalists, gun-toting rednecks, or just average creeps. It’s been my
experience that periodically one of my online guy friends will feel the need to
initiate a flirtation. Actually,
flirtation may not be the right word. Flirting is smiling at someone over the
edge of your wineglass. Flirting is looking at him while you toss your scarf
over your shoulder just so. It may be that there is an online version of that,
but I haven’t seen it. Instead, out of the blue you’ll receive a message that
is some version of “I really want to be with you right now.”
Since a response of “Yeah, me too!” would be neither honest
nor useful, my general approach is more like, “Thanks but I’m only looking for
friendship.” Although radio silence conveys the same message, and I’ll resort
to that if I’m just too busy to deal with it. I don’t have anything against
flirtation in a general way. I’m as fond of the opposite sex, friendly banter,
and admiration as anyone else, no matter what their relationship status. Humans
are humans, after all. But I just don’t have the time or energy to play
make-believe with someone I may not have even met face-to-face.
I’ve gone through a variety of theories about the internet
come-on. One is that there are just a lot of lonely, unfulfilled people in the
world. Another is that my online personality (outspoken activist? adoring
mother? successful professional? sort-of blonde?) is particularly appealing to
some men. However, I’ve come around to the theory that testing the water with
female acquaintances is just a thing that guys do, which sort of takes any
flattery out of the equation.
Often, the next thing I know, I’ve been unfriended by the
guy in question. A friendship that I thought could be lasting and real evaporates
in a moment. Some guys can laugh it off and stick around. More and more, I’m
finding that my male friends are gay, significantly older or younger than I am,
or married to a good friend. All of my life, I’ve tended to have about equal
numbers of male and female friends, but that balance is changing, and it
bothers me.
I’m tempted to regularly post an online disclaimer. How does
this sound?
“Dear men - I am busy raising a family, holding down a job,
remodeling a house, and trying to rid the world of misogyny and injustice. I am
way too busy to exchange online fantasies with you. I cannot engage in long
chat sessions with you during work, and I will not send you photographs of any
part of my unclothed body. My favorite people in the world are my family, and
they get most of my time and attention. But if you’d like to talk about sports,
politics, cars, the weather, pets, quantum physics, or power tools, please feel
free to send me a friend request. Ammosexuals, tea-partiers, and
forced-birthers need not apply.”
Think it would help?
